Wednesday, December 31, 2014

embrace the unknown

so as the year is coming to an end, im struggling some kind of bad emotionally today. not sure why. i feel like crying every 2 seconds. then i feel ready for 2015. then not so much because theres so much i want to do, to change, to learn but that fear or the unknown is getting the best of me. my heart aches for all the things that i feel like im leaving behind in 2014. scratch that, the ONE thing,person, i feel like im leaving behind. i know better. because she'll forever be with me, but i cant help but feel like im leaving her behind as i close my 2014 chapter. thats whats making saddest. 

embarking on this journey to truly find myself, find my center, ive learned so much already. reading and more reading and learning has awakened this happiness and eagerness to continue on this path.
im afraid,excited,kind of ready to take 2015 on and see what the universe has in store for my family and i. i have such a great feeling that this year will be full of changes and great things for us.

fear of the unknown is a beautiful yet terrifying thing. we either choose to sit in a constant state of wonder because were not ready or just dont want to take that leap of faith into the unknown or we embrace it...and when we do we either realize that it was totally worth it or we fall flat on our ass. either way i hope to take that leap and be ok knowing that at the end of it all, i'll be ok. and that is something that i plan to constantly accept. 

2015 im as ready as i can be and i welcome you with a smile :)

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


MIA yet again, i know so annoying lol

im sure youre probably wondering about the title, well thats me in a nutshell right now.

the most important woman in my life passed away last week, September 9th, and im in a very odd place right now. to lose someone as important as my auelita, most would be devastated. dont get me wrong i am beyond that, but i dont show it.sometimes i feel  horrible about it, why dont i cry?! why havent broken down yet?! yet there are moments, mostly when im alone, when the pain and the sadness can swallow me alive.
see my auelita was and is my mother. she raised both my brother and i. i was 3 and my brother a newborn, and she was 69 years old. she is the strongest woman i have ever met and losing her i dont even know how to put it into words but a piece of me went with her.

losing her has made my spirit wake up. yes im in pain over losing her but my spirit is yearning for so much change, for more positivity. im in a place where i have so much running thru my mind, so much i want to do, yet dont know where to start exactly. my home is in utter chaos, totally representing my mind at the moment.

baby steps i keep telling steps and i will get where i need be, where i want to go. im so blessed to have a wife who is down for the ride, who wants the same things i do.

losing you was the worse thing i knew i was going to experience but with that you have opened my spirit to this amazing new steps, as long as i have you by my side pushing me along, i have no doubt that ill no longer be lost.

Friday, July 18, 2014

tell me

Yesterday after work I decided to take the littles to the pool. During that time, I found myself telling myself that I needed to write more. To start writing in my little notebook that i carry around. Write anything and everything that pops into my mind, that captures my attention. So as I sat here telling myself that of course my mind wanders. The last few weeks Ive been hit with a lot of "moments of clarity" if you will or "harsh realities" if we wanna be politically correct. The biggest littles are growing daily and theres no slowing that down or stopping it. Makes me super sad thinking about it. Thinking that one day they will be my age, have their own friends, own drama and just know that they will eventually have a life away from me. Sad sad truth :( So in realizing that, I knew that I needed to spend more quality time with them. More 1 on 1 time with each of them. Khalese is 10 guys! About to go into 5th grade, one year away from middle-school. It boggles my mind to think that. Shes at this age where shes slowly trying to find her voice, find herself as a person. So many changes going on inside of her and I just dont want her to feel alone during that time.
Another thing Ive realized...Im turning 30 in 7 months! 30 people! I keep reading articles about how being 30 is a great age, how we've experienced so much and its all true! This girl cant party like she used to and to be honest if I had to choose between an all night binge party or dinner and wine with friends trust me a good ole hearty steak will win every time. Ive come a long way from my crazy party days. Im a mom and a young woman who is still trying to figure out what to do with my life. Im still young at heart and that will never change but a lot has. My goals are so different at this point of my life. So with that said, I wrote down 5 goals that I plan to get done with before the big #30!

Goal number 1: Write more! Wev've already covered this a bit

Number 2: Spend as much time as humanly possible with the littles. Before I know it, these kids are going to be teenagers with raging hormones and then leaving for college and I cant sit here constantly being afraid of that day to come. Instead Im going to enjoy every minute I have with them because lets be honest, with as crazy as our world is becoming, who knows how long any of us will be here.

Number 3: Exercise Yes I know, Ive said this before. And Im not saying anything other than I really plan on trying to get better at being active.

Number 4: Get passport Ive actually thought about doing this for a few years. Horrible that none of us actually has one so I am determined to get us one :)

Number 5: Fly away! For my big #30 I want to fly away. And not to just like Florida no no no I mean fly away to a place where that passport will be needed!

So thats where my writing has taken me so tell me what are your goals?

Thursday, July 17, 2014

an itch

now before you start judging the title, just hear me out.
I know its been forever and a day since Ive stopped by. Right now we're in the middle of summer. And as I logged in, I realized I had a saved post from back in January eek!

Clearly, Ive been slacking. But for the passed week Ive just had this urge, this itch if you will to just write! Never a bad thing, but sometimes when you have just sooo much going on in your little itty bitty head that you want to share with you imaginary friends, you sometimes dont know where to begin. And thats where I am.

So much has happened since the girls birthdays. Again, we're in the middle of summer, only a few weeks away til the kiddos are off to school again. This summer, like every summer, theyve been coming to work with me. The difference this year is that Ive been taking off 1 day a week,  just so I can spend a little more time with them. Our weekends have been full off fun this year and I love it! We've gone to the lake, we of course have been hitting the pool, we've gone camping, and have at least 2 more beach trips coming up. Mommy and Bae have been to a few concerts and our 1 year anniversary is coming up :) awwwwwwwwww! Little MeKai has finally learned how to ride his bike :D and so much more! So for a little while I will be trying to catch you all up :)

til then, heres a pic of Kayla and I at Pride ♥

super delayed (Jan post)

We have celebrated 2 birthdays since I last was here.
Yup my girls turned 9 and 10 * tears * let me tell you that Sunday was nothing but tears and smiles. To think that 10 years ago I was having my FIRST baby and now shes 10!! I cant get over it.

we didnt do much for her the day of her birthday other than our usual, favorite dinner and baked her a cake. But look at that smile!

I just cant believe how beautiful she is.

We also celebrated Miss Kaylas 9th birthday. my children are growing a little too fast for my taste.

awesome mommy made cupcake for an awesome girl!

its safe to say this kiddos had fun!

Merry Christmas from the best little people a girl could ask for!

So we finally decided to give MeKai a like?

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

baby shower success

Clearly Ive skipped out on you guys, no surprise as that is what I do from time to time but believe me when i say IM SORRY! I said I would try to blog at least every other day but clearly that didnt happen. Im lucky if I even do it once a week!
Things have been super busy these past few weeks of course with the holiday madness.
...lets catch up!

So besties baby shower went off UH-MAZING! and everyone had nothing but great things to say :) which for sure made my day!

Here are some of the party favors. I had my minis help on the little tins full of mints with the oh so cute flowers on them that were oh so hard to put on lol and of course I had Bae write Thank You on them.

 Little birdies for our little Harper because her tia lovesss birds and owls!

 Got this little gem from anther baby shower I saw on Pinterest and thought how appropriate!

& another awesome saying in a frame

these are my yummy rice krispy treats dipped in white chocolate and sprinkled with pink and purple sprinkles! duh

so my mom has the hook up at Georgetown of course I had to ask her to get us some delicious cupcakes for the shower

and this is the table at the end of the night!

My bestie was nothing but smiles and tears that night & it was all worth it! 3 more weeks til Princess Harper makes her appearance! 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

baby fever

I dont know if its something in the air or what, but lately Bae and I have been talking a lot more about having a baby. Yes we already have 3 and why on earth would we want to start over...why not?! For us there will never be a perfect time to have another child. Yes, we'd love to be more financially stable. Yes, we'd love to own our own home, but right now...were fine. MeKai will soon be 7 and that already is a huge gap between him and said future child. Our Khalese will be turning 10 next month and I dont know. Maybe its the fact that theyre growing up so fast, to me at leas. Nah :) Ive accepted that my babies cant be babies forever and Im ok with that because of the amazing little people they are becoming.

Ive always loved being a mommy. Im finally happy & in love and I know that Bae will be an even more amazing mother to a child that she gets to raise from birth.

So we've decided to give this more thought. And with that came more research and the reality of allllll the things we need to do to just even try to conceive and let me tell you its soo overwhelming! Everything is about timing and really getting to know your body, more than Id like to to be honest lol But as i do more research and go into groups of same sex couples its so nice to see other happy couples going thru the same struggles, if that makes sense.

Its so sad for me to finally be in a good happy place and not be able to just share the bond of creating life with the one I love as easily as your normal couple. But seeing other couples trying to have a baby of their own and actually conceiving, melts my heart. Gives me hope! And although we dont know when we will actually start trying, its nice to have my loves support and know that she wants this as much as I do.