Monday, November 4, 2013

never ready

Death Afterlife hmm being called home, whatever you like to call it, no matter how prepared you think you might be, no one is ever ready.

Ive been having these numbing,heart breaking dreams that involve my sweet loving grama Auelita. In these very real dreams, shes told me that shes leaving me or someone tells me that shes already gone. As much as I like to think that, yes I know my time with her is limited, that I have a grip on all honestly I know that I am not ready at all. You see Ive only had to deal or face the passing of a loved one twice in my life with the passing of my grandfather (who I wasnt as close to as I wouldve liked) and my little nephew (who I only met once) and both those times yes I was beyond sad, couldn't sleep, would burst into tears randomly but as time has gone by, its gotten a little easier. My Auelita raised my brother and I from when I was 3. She at the time was 69. Can you imagine raising toddlers at that age woo! So needless to say this lady means the world to me. 

I remember growing up telling her that she was going to live to be 100 years old and she would curse me saying shed never want to live that long, it would be torture. Two weeks ago, she turned 94 :)

I remember being pregnant with my Khalese and her trying to take care of me. I was still living with her at the time and she told me that we would be fine, that we would make it work. Once I had Khalese, she and my brother rode the train to come see us at the hospital. As time went by she would tell me how she wasnt sure she would get to see Khalese take her first steps. That is her with Khalese and Kayla, theyre almost 10 and 9 years old now.

And here she is with my little guy who is now 6. I am so blessed to have had this woman in my life and am so grateful that shes been able to be in the lives of my little babies. That they know who she is and what she means to me. 

Someone once told me "Once you pass, your soul extends beyond you. You become the wind, the leaves that scatter across the ground, the warm feeling that the sun gives us, and every nostalgic scent we smell.." No matter when its time for her to go home, I know that she'll be happier. She'll be resting finally. And as I sit here and write this I know that all I can do is enjoy every minute I have with her. To just remember her the way she is and was, this feisty, hard headed, very independent woman who taught me to protect my children against everything and anyone. Who taught me to be the fighter that I am, to fight for what I want because no one is just going to hand it to me. Who taught me to take care of my family first above everything, theyre all we have in the end.

I will forever owe her my life and am forever grateful for the woman shes made me. Until that dreaded day comes, I'll continue to visit her every Sunday, keep all her plates, cups, random clowns that scare my kids and T because theyre all her and theyre all me.

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